Being a Husband
Last summer, I was out in the field working with one of our new hires, a young 23-year old woman who is super sharp and very professional. When I was home and catching up with my wife Cali after the work day was over, I mentioned that my new coworker just seemed so young and fresh-faced in the world. When Cali pointed out that she was that age when we got married, my first thought was, “Really? Who the hell let that happen? You were so young, and we didn’t know anything!”
Cali and I met and had our first date in late-February of 2009, which means we’re coming up on 15 years of being together. We were married in August 2010, back when I was 26 and Cali was 23. I was in my mid-20s and thought I knew everything about everything. How hard could this marriage thing be? It was obvious that Cali and I loved each other, so it was only natural that we get married and start our life together.
The thing is, it took me a long time to figure out how to be a husband. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect now, and there is always room for improvement, but Cali deserved much better than what she got early on in our marriage. I wasn’t used to thinking about another person when I made decisions, and I certainly didn’t understand the value of looking for ways to help out around the house. My natural tendency was to just assume that if Cali was doing a chore, she was fine with it. I’d be sitting there on the couch watching television while Cali was taking care of something, and then I’d wonder why she seemed upset. Not only was I a total moron, but I was a lazy-ass too. What a great combo Cali married.
Thankfully, I’ve wizened up and matured over the years and our marriage is much improved. Obviously, marriage is about love, but it’s also a partnership between two people who, ideally, genuinely like each other. Cali and I actively look for things we can do for each other and take pride in making life more comfortable and easy for the other person. She makes dinner most nights and does a lot of the deep cleaning around the house. I take care of the garbage, dog poop, and snow shoveling. Cali is a master at loading the dishwasher, but I usually unload it because one time she mentioned not liking that job. These are little things that make a big difference.
I know a few young guys who are in the early years of their marriages, and I see them making some of the same mistakes I did. I’ve shared some of my own experiences and perspectives with them, but I’m not big on giving advice or telling people what they need to or must do. Besides, these guys are real sweethearts, so they’ll figure it out eventually.