Be Nicer To Yourself
I need to find a way to be nicer to myself. I’ve fallen into the habit of almost constant negative self-talk and worry. I’ve been really hard on myself lately and can’t seem to give myself a break no matter what the situation. This seems to have really gotten worse over the past two months after Cali and I got home from vacation and life through some curveballs in our direction.
Three weeks ago I ended up in the hospital with some kind of weird food-borne virus that caused inflammation of my intestines (also known as colitis). The pain was bad enough that I not only went to the emergency room, but when I got there, I was on my knees on the floor of the ER doubled over in pain. It felt like the appendicitis I had when I was 14. When the doctor heard my symptoms, he immediately started talking about Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, and all kinds of other autoimmune diseases that were right out of left field. I had plenty of time to sit alone in my hospital room with my phone, searching Google and letting my anxiety and worry ramp up with regards to how the rest of my life was going to look. After three nights in the hospital, a CT scan, multiple blood, urine, and stool samples, and two colonoscopies, the doctors told me they didn’t see any sign of Crohn’s or anything like that. It must just be some weird virus that I picked up from a bad meal that I had when I was in Pittsburgh for work. My body was probably more susceptible to something like this because of the nearly three weeks of two different antibiotics I had been on (for two totally random and unrelated issues) a month prior that wiped out all the good and bad bacteria in my gut.
Before all these stomach issues began, I had signed up for a jiu-jitsu tournament on July 9th. When I signed up, I was looking forward to four uninterrupted and productive weeks of training and preparation. I didn’t have any work travel on my schedule and I was in a good training rhythm. Of course my unexpected hospital stay and not eating or sleeping for three days derailed my plans, but once I commit or say I’m going to do something, I’m pretty good at following through. I still showed up to compete on July 9th, and it was pretty much a disaster all around. Not only had I missed a bunch of training time, but I lost 10-12 pounds and at a bodyweight of 212, I qualified for the 215 weight class instead of the 230 I had originally signed up for. This gave me the option to back out of the competition since there was no one else in the 215 class, but I wanted to do what I said I would, so I pressed on in the 230 class.
Not surprisingly, I got my ass kicked and somehow managed to severely mess up my left big toe and right wrist in the first of five matches of the day. Again, I pressed on and finished what I started. I was 0-5 on the day, but I still finished. My reward will be to take a forced layoff while things heal up.
I spent most of the day after the competition feeling sorry for myself and being pissed at how stupid it was for me to have competed in the first place. I got to thinking how I need to be nicer to myself and give myself a break once in awhile. It’s like I have this constant voice in my head that calls me a pussy every time I even consider any type of relaxation or easement. Constantly comparing myself to others just multiplies the problem. Discipline is one of the most important traits a person can have, but there are times where I take it too far to the detriment of my own health and well-being.
Above all, I need to stop my internal negativity and worry. There is no productivity or benefit gained from my severe lack of positivity.