Ready for a Change
I think I’m ready for a change when it comes to training, work, and life in general. This COVID-19 quarantine seems to be getting to me a little bit, which is definitely an indication of how easy and good I have it in life, because things could certainly be so much worse. I just really miss going places, seeing friends, taking trips, and interacting with other people. I’m in the very fortunate position to still have income during this time, and I’ve been working at home for almost two months now. Most of my work day consists of my computer and/or phone chiming, ringing, dinging, and otherwise notifying me that I have a message, e-mail, meeting, or call that needs to be answered. It seems pretty obvious to me that humans were not meant to live this way. My dad has been doing a lot of work out at our family’s hunting camp back in Michigan, and I’ve been yearning to be out in the woods, enjoying the quiet and not looking at screens and hearing electronic device notifications all day long. Obviously, these are first world problems, but I still want to get away from all of this nonsense by retreating to the woods, hunting for food, and living off the land, really getting into that Hank Williams Jr., “A Country Boy Can Survive” mindset. I don’t know exactly how to do everything I would need to do to survive, which means I would be forced to figure things out or die trying. I love reading about 19th century American history. You know, the Wild West, Civil War, the transcontinental railroad, and everything in between. That time period just really captures my imagination and gives me pause to think about how much people had to work just to survive from day to day. “Blood and Thunder” by Hampton Sides tells the story of Kit Carson and the history of the American West. One of the stories from that book that stuck with me was that Kit Carson often used the phrase, “Done so,” in conversation. When something entered his mind or seemed necessary, he just did it. “Done so,” was how he described his action. Kit didn’t have to stop to think about how his decision would affect his 401k or if he’d get a letter from his HOA. He just fucking did the thing that had to be done and moved on with his life. What a way to live.
For the last 15 years, I was certain I never wanted to have kids of my own. A few years ago, I was one week out from having a vasectomy, but I decided maybe I’d better hold off since that kind of thing can be tough to undo. Lately, I’ve found myself yearning to have children of my own, and it seems like I’m reminded of this all day every day. Many of my best friends have kids and are expecting more. Coworkers are having children, and I see neighbors out with their kids teaching them to ride bicycles and hit baseballs. My life feels incomplete, and I know I have a lot more to offer this world than what I’m doing currently. My rationale for not wanting kids before was that I felt like I was too selfish and had too many things I wanted to accomplish on my own. That mindset has faded. I’m done with my life being all about me. I want my life to be about others and to have an impact on the world. I want a family of my own that I can love and protect and be there for when they need me. I know Cali and I would make great parents, and I’m ready for the challenge. I don’t know if will ever happen, and I don’t know how that apparent failure will affect my psyche going forward. As always, time will tell.