Secret Secrets

“There are two kinds of guys. Guys who watch porn and guys who lie about watching porn.”

-A relative who shall remain nameless

Most of my blogs here focus on the benefits of lifting and improving physical health, but I’m going to veer off a bit here and talk about mental health. Now I am certainly no expert on any of the things I ramble on about here. These essays are just my opinions, observations, and experiences from my journey through life. Writing these things down and trying to organize my thoughts makes me really think about my perspective on things and how my experiences led me to my current beliefs.

Pornography is a super uncomfortable and embarrassing topic for most, but I want to talk about it here because it is something that has had a negative impact on my life, relationships, and self-esteem in ways that I have just begun to recognize over the last few years. Fortunately, I have come across a few people over the past decade that had the guts to talk about porn addiction and how important it is to recognize that it is a widespread problem that is affecting countless people, mostly males, throughout the world. My goal here is to share my story and struggles and give a few recommendations for turning things around. To be honest, this is very hard to share and discuss. I realize I’m running the risk of someone I know reading this and coming to the conclusion that I’m a giant pervert or sexual deviant, but I’m just being honest and this is a story that needs to be shared. This is real talk. If I can get this out in the open and maybe help someone else who is struggling with porn, it will be well worth any shame or embarrassment on my end. And if you are reading this and do want to judge or label me, that’s fine, but please be aware that there are other men, and even young boys, in your life who may have also gone down a similar path and are being affected by porn on a daily basis. This is even more likely now that everyone has a smartphone with the ability to stream videos and bring a porn theater everywhere they go.

Two things to note before I go on. First, I am going to use the word addiction throughout this article. I know some people think the term addiction is bullshit and everything comes down to the choices we make, and that’s totally fine. I am not here to argue the point of whether or not addiction exists. Rather, I am using the term addiction to mean the really powerful allure that porn can have for the brain and the fact that it can be tempting enough to keep bringing a user back even when the user knows it’s not necessarily a great thing for their life. You can call it lack of discipline, weakness, poor choices, whatever. I don’t care. The point here is to talk about some things and get them out in the open, not debate inconsequential nuances. Second, I am all about individual freedom and people having the right to do whatever the hell they want in life. The purpose of this post is not to tell anyone to quit watching porn or to argue about morality or anything of that nature. My goal is just to reach out to anyone who may watch porn but feels that it is not enriching their lives and may even be having a negative effect. If you do feel that way, you’re definitely not alone or unique.

I was born in 1984 in that generation who watched today’s internet and smartphone culture develop over the years. Sure, the internet existed, but it wasn’t the ubiquitous, widespread thing that it is today. We didn’t have really useful internet in our house until I was 13 or 14. Despite not having the internet, porn still became a part of my life when I was around 10 years of age when a friend and I innocently stumbled upon my dad’s collection of porn VHS tapes. We were like any other curious boys desperate to learn more about women and sex, so we thought we had hit the jackpot when we found those videos. I watched those tapes for hours, and there was plenty of variety to always see something new. Of course, at the time, I had no idea that I was messing up my young, malleable brain by getting these porn-induced dopamine hits where I was teaching myself to associate sex with watching something on a screen. It never occurred to me that this was totally unnatural and unrealistic. All I knew was that my body craved sex and this gave me a good fix. Watching porn gives the viewer the opportunity to trick his/her brain into having multiple, novel sexual partners, a highly desirable situation from an evolutionary perspective. It sounds crazy, but having sex with a real life woman doesn’t even seem as exciting or pleasurable once the user gets used to the experience of having multiple sexual partners at once by watching porn.

Fast forward a few years when all of my friends and I finally got the internet in our small town. At first, it was hard enough just to download pictures of naked girls because dial-up was super slow and would randomly drop off with no rhyme or reason. As we all know, the internet evolved over the years until we finally had the ability to easily stream videos any time we wanted. Streaming video really opened up the floodgates when it came to easy access to viewing porn. This was especially true by the time I graduated high school and went off to college in 2002. My roommate was always streaming porn on his laptop, leaving it running for hours at a time just because he thought it was funny. I never acknowledged that I enjoyed it or indulged myself because I was too ashamed and embarrassed, but pretty much every guy in our dorm knew what everyone else was doing on the regular.

During my college years, I had some very nice and pretty girlfriends and have now been married almost 10 years to a very sweet, beautiful, and sexy woman. I may not have known it or stopped to think about it at the time, but porn has affected all of my relationships in the past 20 years. Why would you need porn if you have a girlfriend, wife, or partner? This is a common question that gets asked when people talk about porn, and there are several logical answers. Reflecting back almost 20 years on my college self, I viewed porn as a tool that I could use to calm down my raging 18-22 year-old hormones. Porn was easily accessible anytime I needed it. Watching porn was just like general maintenance where I could take care of my needs without bothering anyone else. There was no fear of rejection from an actual living person. I didn’t have to worry about performance or logistical matters. It was great, it calmed me down, and it was right there for the taking in the comfort of my dorm room, so why not take advantage?

I was 24 when I met my wife, Cali. By this point, I was still watching porn about once per week even though I knew it was not really a good thing. Pretty much every time I indulged, I would tell myself that it was the last time. I even read a few self-help books about controlling my lust and urges. Some of the tactics I learned from these books worked for a while, but the allure and dopamine spikes from watching porn eventually won out in the end. At this time, I was also still very religious and was constantly weighed down by guilt over my failure to abstain from porn. Cali and I began seriously dating and eventually got engaged and married in 2010. As a result of me joining the Navy and Cali needing to stay in Arizona to finish college, we had considerable time apart during the first year of our marriage. I had told myself I was going to be completely done with porn once I got married, but I was too weak to follow through. Being apart and left to my own devices meant I carried on my porn habits. Each time I felt ashamed, but I thought that this was completely unique to me and there was no way I could acknowledge to anyone, especially Cali, that I had this secret. I remember when my sister Stacy found out about our dad’s porn collection. She said it forever changed the way she looked at him, like he wasn’t fully the man she always thought he was. I can’t speak for Stacy, but I think her perspective has changed a little bit over the years. When I was home last March, I told Stacy about my own struggles with porn and we had a great conversation, and I know she loves our dad unconditionally with all of her heart. Her initial statement about viewing our father differently was my first indication that porn could have negative consequences for relationships.

So yeah, almost eight years into our marriage and I was still watching porn now and then. I found time to do it usually once or twice a week, still just viewing it as general maintenance where I could take care of some of my sexual needs without any of the pressure of trying to actually be intimate with my wife. That sounds so messed up as I write it, but it’s the truth. One thing that is undeniable is the guilt I felt after each session. It was eating away at me and preventing me from being truly honest with Cali. She didn’t know it, but there was a chasm between us. My physical affection towards her was lacking because I was using up energy and resources watching porn.

Finally, on April 5, 2018, I worked up the nerve to share my struggle with Cali. One thing that really gave me the guts to do this was Terry Crews talking about his own porn addiction on Joe Rogan’s podcast. It blew my mind that someone so famous was willing to put himself out there and be honest with this topic as millions of people listened. Terry stated how porn addiction had negatively affected his marriage and had come between him and his wife. As weird as it sounds, it was very refreshing to hear this from someone else. Confessing my own struggles to Cali was not an easy thing to do, but once it was out in the open, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. Cali was extremely sweet, supportive, and understanding, and it actually brought us closer together. My journal entries below convey some of my thoughts during this time.

Journal entry from April 5, 2018.

Journal entry from April 6, 2018.

This was a watershed moment for me, because I felt like I finally was not alone in my battle. It also completely changed the way I looked at Cali. Once I quit looking at porn, it was like my eyes were fully opened and I just could not get enough of Cali. She turned me on so much and we connected physically like I had never felt before. Things went along great for about 16 months, but then I slowly fell back into old habits. In August, I went out of town. I was alone in a hotel and kind of bored. It started out with just a picture or two from social media, but things snowballed from there and several months later I was back into watching porn on my computer on a weekly basis. This time around, I was even more embarrassed than ever because I had allowed myself to slip back into this damaging cycle of watching porn, feeling guilty, and not fully being into my marriage to Cali. How could I be so weak and stupid? After beating myself up about it for a while, I read the book, “Your Brain on Porn,” by Gary Wilson. I cannot recommend this book enough for anyone who is struggling with porn. It is brilliantly written, has other firsthand accounts from real people, and explains some of the science behind what makes porn so enticing, particularly to men. There is also a companion website, www.yourbrainonporn.com, that has tons of articles and resources.

I recently talked things out with Cali again and feel like I have gotten back on the right path. Once gain, she was extremely understanding and supportive. I wish I could say I know that I’m done for good, but experience has shown me that it’s too slippery of a slope to make that statement right now. All I can do is stay disciplined and keep reminding myself how important abstaining from porn is for my marriage and relationships. What I can say for certain is that my head is more clear than it’s ever been, and my relationship with and desire for Cali have never been stronger.

If you’re struggling or want to talk about any of this, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d be glad to hear your story and offer any help I can give.