I Worry…

I come from a long line of worriers, and it’s a habit I adopted very early on in life. As a kid, I worried about anything and everything: falling sick with some kind of terminal disease, losing a family member, getting kidnapped, our family’s house burning down, screwing up and causing my high school teams to lose a seemingly all-important football or basketball game, failing in school, getting poisoned by the cleaning agents my mom used around the house, pesticides on food. You name it, I worried about it, all while keeping my thoughts and anxiety to myself and subconsciously picking my fingernails until they were nothing more than little stubs. Of course now, many of these worries seem so silly, the machinations of the mind of an imaginative kid, but they were constantly on my mind, eating away at me and eroding my energy.

But here’s the problem.

I still worry. It’s just that as an adult, my list of worries has changed, and I don’t know how to turn it off. Below is a frequent interaction between Cali and me while we are relaxing on the couch in the evening:

Me: (thinking about something and subconsciously picking my nails)
Cali: Why are you picking?
Me: Oh, I was just thinking about something.

Cali often knows me better than I know myself, and she can always tell when something is on my mind or bothering me.

This past year has been wrought with anxiety for many people worldwide. Government lockdowns, COVID, elections, racial tensions, unemployment, riots, the future of our country, and the constant, in your face nature of social media have made our country a hypersensitive and incredibly divided powder keg. Our country has two major political parties, and so many people feel like they’re on one side or the other. Two people could agree on 99 things, but if there is one nuanced disagreement on the subtle gray area of one inconsequential topic, it’s, “Well you’re on that side and I’m on this side so I hate you now.” It’s heartbreaking to see so much disagreement and strife among people.

I don’t like this at all, and I worry about all of it. Over the past year, this constant worrying and anxiety has crept in and caused me to forget about the importance of enjoying life. Living in fear is not living at all, and that’s where I’ve been stuck for some time now. Part of it is the COVID lockdowns and working at home nearly 100% of the time. Whenever I do get a chance to get out of the house and travel for work, it’s actually very refreshing. Interacting with people out in the world is a good reminder that what’s portrayed on the news is far different than the very normal and respectful human interactions that take place every day all over the country.

It’s time to take ownership of my anxiety and focus all of the mental energy I expend worrying about things I cannot control towards something productive. Years ago I read some great books on these topics, including Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***,” Jocko Willink’s “Extreme Ownership,” and Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements.” Perhaps it’s time to brush up on the themes in these books and start living a life of action rather than a life of worry. There are countless things that are out of my control, but how I feel about them is completely up to me. Like jealousy, anger, bitterness, and resentment, worrying actually works the opposite of how we want it to work. Worrying does not help the situation, and it only negatively affects the person doing the worrying. Nothing useful, beneficial, or productive comes from the act of worrying.

Being positive is a choice, and it’s time for me to choose the right path every single day. Going forward, I am going to stay positive, love my fellow man, and focus my attention on what is in front of me and what I can control.